A love letter to my immigrants, refugees, and their children;
- Feb 12
- 6 min read
Updated: Feb 16
It has been a challenge to write about how I feel with the state of the world right now. There’s countless posts important online sharing resources and decrying ICE and this administration. However, I want to give space to the immigrants, the refugees, and their children. The immigrants, refugees, and their children carrying the guilt of privilege and vulnerability of marginalized identities. The immigrants, refugees, and their children reminded that the privilege isn’t truly a privilege if it can be revoked or comes with conditions. Many of us learned, taught, and passed down “conditional love” as that is the reality of those living with conditional privilege.
We replicate cycles oftentimes without recognizing it - for how are we to challenge cycles when we aren’t aware of their existence? We replicate cycles when we are aware of it - for how can we challenge these cycles when these patterns are all we know? We replicate in full, or we overcorrect and enable these cycles to continue.
We do all this to protect - believing that tough conditional love will create defenses within ourselves and our children against the harsh world. Our armored children enter a world expecting to take hits and abuse, believing this is the price to pay to exist. We pray they don’t need the armor. We do everything we can to protect them in this world. What do we do when we cannot protect them from the monster we escaped? What do we do when we cannot protect our parents, our elders, from the same monsters they fought?
We’ve lived in multiple cultures, simultaneously. We’ve adapted our cultures with the land we reside, taking stock of what's novel and familiar. Although we are not native to this land, we carry and honor our ancestors as best we can by adapting traditions and remembering. We persist to become good ancestors to the next generations. We carry the grief of being forced to adapt, and the joy of being able to adapt. Sometimes we’re proud of our ability to adapt, to hold on to our culture and make it shine in an American backdrop.
What do we do now? How do we adapt to this?
I propose we don’t adapt to what is happening now. We don't need to adapt to a land built upon the enslavement one and genocide another. I propose we pause building armor for ourselves, our children, and our neighbors. I propose that in this land we have chosen to utilize the wisdom our bones know. We will see how armoring ourselves and our children is merely reactive and rarely protective. We will lean into connection, instead of prioritizing protection. We will identify our safe people, our community, and provide unconditional love. Through unconditional love, through the right of existence, we tell ourselves and our children, we no longer have to take abuse to be allowed here. We belong here. We provide unconditional love to our communities through reminders that their existence is a gift to behold. Their grief is valid, and their joys are felt. We tell those we love that we love them, not just through our actions, but also with our words. We commit to being a good neighbor, family member, friend, because we know we can rely on them.
Shifting to unconditional positive regard, we allow new opportunities to form and new cycles to develop. We learn of other ways we can sustain and thrive. We become better at identifying abuse and avoiding it, or even calling it out, so we don’t have to accept taking abuse. We become better at advocating for ourselves, our children, our elders, because we know what we deserve. We deserve to exist at our fullest.
We are more than our sadness and fear. Yes, our grief is a reminder with what we have lost to endure AND we fight to share joy for a future.
I keep returning to a quote by author and activist Dan Savage regarding the AIDS epidemic. In a time where the United States government and its people actively chose to turn away from those most affected by the AIDS crisis, instilling policy to restrict care and punish gay men and marginalized individuals - not unlike what is happening now,
“During the darkest days of the AIDS crisis, we’d bury our friends in the morning, we protested in the afternoon, and we danced all night. The dance kept us in the fight because it was the dance we were fighting for. It didn’t look like we were going to win then and we did. It doesn’t feel like we’re going to win now, but we could. Keep fighting, keep dancing.”
We provide emotional support to our loved ones, we show up for our community receiving solidarity, and we celebrate with our people to honor our lives and the fight.
We deserve to exist. We belong here.
Huk paeng gan (ຮັກແພງກັນ)
I treasure our relationship
Kris Banda, LPC
What Can I Do?
Take Dan Savage’s quote to what matches you and your community’s needs.
Inner Circle. This is your chosen family. Identify who is your Inner Circle because these are the people you agree to show up in more emotionally taxing ways, and can ask if they do the same for you. We can’t be emotionally available for everyone. We become depleted when we try to be available for everyone. Pick your people and let them know that you will grieve with them.
Regular check-ins through texts, meals, calls, visits.
Lending a listening ear. Not to fix, but to listen, to witness.
Listen to emotion, experiences being expressed, not the words.
This is the group with the emotional heavy lifting for all parties.
Boundary maintenance is key. Normalize scheduling time to have emotional connections “I’m busy right now, I can call you at 5pm” or “I’m doing errands, so I can’t talk, but how about I listen to you and then I can call you this evening and we can talk about it?”
Larger Community. Identify local groups to show up in and receive solidarity and support from others. You don’t need to know their life history to give them support. And they aren’t entitled to your pain to give you care. Care is given because you exist.
High Resource: Protests, boycotts, volunteer work, donating time and money, mutual aid
Resource constrained: Calling in representatives, helping families finding missing family members, creating care packages and meal trains, mutual aid
Smaller Community. Individuals close enough to celebrate joys and restore will to keep fighting. They can also be acquaintances, however ideally people that you enjoy well enough to recuperate time and energy with.
High energy: parties, social functions
Medium energy: Making weekly meals together, mutual aid
Low energy: game nights, dinners, hangs
Catalyzing Grief
Let it be Heard and your experience Witnessed. With your Inner Circle or Smaller Community. Why it works: Having their experience witnessed validates its impact. Returning it or burning the note provides your brain the opportunity to see this emotional pain in physical form and let it go.
Into The Fire: Write down struggles. Take turns reading it out loud, and throw it in controlled fire.
Back to Nature: Grab a pebble, voice the heaviness, and toss it (or place it) into the forest/field/stream/lake.
Deep Breathing to calm the nervous system. We cannot tell our brain that we are safe if our body does not feel safe. We can utilize VOO breathing to encourage the body into a state of calm. From there, it makes it easier to decide what to do next.
VOO Breathing. Inhale through the nose, make a VOO sound during your long exhale through the mouth (like a foghorn). You can repeat two more times as needed. You will be lightheaded. Notice how your body responds afterwards.
“If you have come here to help me, you are wasting your time. If you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”
Aboriginal activist groups in Queensland, Australia
These organizations have been working to support families and communities impacted by ICE. They provide support through concrete resources, community action/care, lookouts and reporting of ICE activity, etc.
MICA Project 2650 Cherokee St, St Louis, MO 63118 | 314-995-6995
LifeWise STL
1321 South 11th Street, St. Louis, Missouri 63104 | 314-421-0400 | info@lifewisestl.org
Immigrant Service Providers Network 5021 Adkins Ave. Room 122, St. Louis, MO 63116 | info@ispnstl.org
Report ICE activity by calling 314-370-7080
Report using the SALUTE method:
S – Size: Note the number of individuals, vehicles, or assets observed (e.g., 5 agents, 2 vans).
A – Activity: Describe what they are doing—e.g., conducting a raid, questioning individuals, using force, or searching a building.
L – Location: Provide a precise address, intersection, or landmark (e.g., “123 Main St, near the gas station”). Include specific street names when possible.
U – Unit: Identify the group or affiliation—e.g., ICE, CBP, HSI, or DHS. Note visible patches, insignias, or vehicle markings (e.g., “ICE ERO,” “DHS,” “CBP Field Operations”).
T – Time: Record the exact date and time of the observation (e.g., “June 7, 2025, at 10:15 AM”).
E – Equipment: List tools or weapons observed—e.g., flexicuffs, dogs, batons, sound cannons (LRAD), door breachers, or armored vehicles.
Use this method when reporting to local organizations rapid response networks.
Do not post unverified reports on social media—this can spread panic. If you document the event, record video horizontally, capture officer details (faces, badges, license plates), and only intervene if safe. Always remain calm, know your rights, and avoid signing anything or discussing your immigration status.
https://www.traverseindivisible.org/resources/see-something-salute https://www.justiceonline.org/resources/know-your-rights-with-ice-espanol/